G! Whiz: Astro-illogical

The universe has bigger fish to fry than finding your ideal water sign

By Heidi Brander
I roll my eyes at a lot of things, but I reserve my most exaggerated, contact lens-dispensing eye rolls for a very special breed of people: Astrology Junkies. I just can’t believe there is an entire multimillion-dollar industry dedicated to the notion that everyone born around the same time is exactly alike. Seeing as Kid Rock, Michelle Obama, and the late, great Shari Lewis were all born on the same day, I don’t know about all that.

Listening to some space gypsy tell you that you’re “outgoing, yet shy,” “confident, but lack self-confidence,” and that “you need to get your finances in order” seems innocent enough, but I draw the line when people use astrology to determine whom they can and cannot date. You say the caring, generous kindergarten teacher is a fire sign and you’re a water sign? Well, you’re clearly not compatible so you might as well date the alcoholic, bipolar exterminator because he’s a Scorpio. (I’m being sarcastic. How Aries of me.)

I wasn’t always this cynical. Things changed for me the day a psychic (a Cajun restaurant’s resident psychic, but a psychic nonetheless) told me that the first name of the man I was destined to marry would start with the letter “P.” For months after that psychic reading, I kicked all Jacobs, Tylers, and Matthews to the curb while stomach butterflies rendered me speechless every time I shook the hand of a Patrick.

By year’s end, with 45% of my cell phone contacts starting with P including a 50-year-old bartender named Patchy, I knew I had to re-evaluate my life. Maybe it’s because I’m against any practice that prohibits me from dating Jon Hamm (ladies, am I right?), but using the positioning of planets on the day you were born to determine your astrological sign, and then using that sign to narrow the dating field seems pretty wacky to me. In my opinion, the only signs worth paying attention to are Stop signs and signs that end in “ –nese Buffet.”

I’m not saying I don’t think we’re all a part of something much bigger than ourselves. On the contrary! I believe the universe is too preoccupied with other things* to concern itself with making sure bullheaded you gets paired up with a laid-back Piscean just so he’ll be cool when you make him hand over the remote control so you can watch “X Factor”.

*“Other things” = Not imploding in on itself, the Battle of Tatooine, Miss Universe pageants.

You can find Heidi and her satirical take on all of life’s important moments each month in G! and online as a contributor for datingguy.com.

The universe has bigger fish to fry than finding your ideal water sign By Heidi Brander I roll my eyes at a lot of things, but I reserve my most exaggerated, contact lens-dispensing eye rolls for a very special breed of people: Astrology Junkies. I just can’t believe there is an entire multimillion-dollar industry dedicated [...]

Read more »

Stand-Up Style

MuchMusic’s Video on Trial star Dini Dimakos talks about two of her favourite things – fashion and comedy – with her friend and G! columnist, Heidi Brander

When I was first approached to write a fashion-related article, I had an anxiety attack. I don’t consider what I wear “fashion” so much as I think of it as “the stuff I have to walk around in before 5pm hits and I can take my pants off.” That’s why I decided to solicit style advice from my most fashion-forward friend. Dini Dimakos is a stand-up comedian who should be best known as my bandmate in Toronto’s premiere drag queen song parody trio “The Cheeto Girls”, but is actually best known as a juror on MuchMusic’s Video on Trial and Love Court. I sat down with her to talk shop (and shopping!) and this is what took place:

 

HB: Who are some of your comedic influences? What about fashion influences?  

DD: Funny you should ask this two-tiered question, Heidi. As you may be aware, the two have nary a thing in common. Par example, I am influenced by Kathy Griffin’s storytelling comedy style, however, the chunky-heeled 1992 fashion clogs that she has sported onstage for the last two decades leave much to be admired. Loads of female comics I know try to dress in a way that won’t alienate their female audience or arouse their male one. I don’t worry too much about it. I’m relatively well received onstage, however, no one finds me remotely attractive.

HB: Which recent fashion trends do you love, and which ones can you absolutely not get behind?

DD: I’m a fan of layering, and all the shapeless, flowing shirts and dresses that girls are casually pairing with leggings or a skinny jean. I really like leggings with prints, or intricate stitching and details. Riding boots are a must this fall. A fitted blazer works well with almost everything, I would look for it in a different colour this season rather then busting out your black one for yet another year. Shoulder pads are hot again. Crop tops have made a big comeback with the younger set; I would do a silky crop over a pencil skirt or high waisted pant. I can not personally get behind skinny jeans because of my behind. It’s enormous. I try not to accentuate it unless I’m going to Caribanna, or the Toronto event formerly known as Caribanna.

HB: What is the best thing you’ve ever said on Video on Trial that didn’t make the cut?

DD: So many things! People don’t realize how much great material doesn’t make it on. The show is only 22 minutes long. The producers are wonderful, and they do what they can. I do remember one time I said something like, “You know who should be on this show? Heidi Brander. You know who shouldn’t? That girl who’s not a comic but gets all the executives into nightclubs.” Club promoters should probably not be on hilarious TV shows, unless they are also comedians.

HB: Which celebrity memoir and/or Lifetime biography do you most relate to?

DD: Jane Fonda because of everything I went through by being against the Vietnam War. I was labeled a traitor, and everyone called me “Hanoi Dini” for years and years! Luckily I went on to produce and star in a series of very popular workout VHS tapes. Okay, that only happened to Jane Fonda as I wasn’t born during her tumultuous years of political discord and aerobics. But I did relate to her eating disorder.

HB: Do you have any plans to ever visit PEI?

DD: It’s unfortunate that a flight to England is cheaper. I’d love to do a show with you, Andrew Johnston and myself in PEI. I do believe if Lucy Maud Montgomery were still alive, she would come to our show. I know this because we shared a cigarette with the late, great Jackie Burroughs (when Jackie Burroughs offers you a cigarette, you take up smoking immediately) who adored all of us, and you can’t get much closer to Lucy Maud then Jackie Burroughs unless you’ve brunched with Megan Follows.

HB: Lightning Round! Fashion “Would You Rather”: Would you rather be wearing incredible shoes with nasty hair, or have luxurious hair with moldy Birkenstocks?

DD: Great shoes, gross hair. I have an extensive wig collection for such a conundrum.

HB: Would you rather wear skinny jeans or bell bottoms?

DD: Bells, because of my ginormous butt. I thought we went over this?

HB: Would you rather be overdressed or underdressed?

DD: Overdressed, always! Even in the bedroom. Especially in the bedroom!

MuchMusic’s Video on Trial star Dini Dimakos talks about two of her favourite things – fashion and comedy – with her friend and G! columnist, Heidi Brander When I was first approached to write a fashion-related article, I had an anxiety attack. I don’t consider what I wear “fashion” so much as I think of [...]

Read more »

G! Whiz: Shot Through the Heart

By Heidi Brander

There are a few key moments in life that define who you are. These key moments affect everything from what you eat to who you trust to how you drive.  The moment that pretty much defined all of my romantic endeavours came while riding the elementary school bus in Grade Two. Joey Turnbull was the cutest guy in my class and I was desperately in love with him. I knew that ours would be a love for the ages, if only I could get up the nerve to ask him out. And that fateful day on the bus, I did.

“Joey, will you be my boyfriend?”

I was in second grade. Clearly I had to put it all out there; I couldn’t ask him out for coffee. And I could barely contain my excitement when he said, “Yes.”

Thrilled and incredulous, I broke out in a giant grin. “Really?”

Joey threw his head back, cackling cruelly. “NOT!”

The entire school bus broke out in laughter. To this day I still don’t know if they were laughing at my misfortune or at his “Not” joke, “Not” jokes being very popular at the time. But that incident set the stage for a lifetime of paralyzing fear of rejection. Joey Turnbull is now a heroin addict (a fate typical of people who peak in elementary school) but the scars he bears from years of heroin abuse can’t compare to the emotional scars I suffered at his hand that day.

(I’m kidding. I assume he’s middle management at a call centre or something. I’m just being dramatic.)

My point is that as human beings, we must do our best to spare the feelings of other human beings; caring for our fellow man is what separates us from the animals, or at least from most jerks. All of my heartache could have been avoided if Joey had known how to let me down easy. Granted, most kids haven’t exactly mastered social graces by Grade Two, but if I could chat with a young Joey Turnbull today, I would have passed along these tips:

TIPS FOR THE REJECTOR:

It’s Not Their Fault: Give them a reason why you’re rejecting them, but make sure it’s one they have no control over. I’m a fan of the good old fashioned, “I think of you as a brother. No, really, you have the exact same Roman profile and endomorphic build as my brother. Plus the same first and middle names as he does. I could never look past it.”

Be Lame, For Their Sake: When someone you don’t like asks you out, make a really lame joke. My personal go-to is “Sorry, but I’ve already got two boyfriends…Ben and Jerry!” It gets the point across, plus once he sees what a loser you are he’ll be instantly glad you said no.

Tell Him/Her You Already Have A Boy/Girlfriend Even If You Don’t: Uncomfortable talking at length about a significant other you just totally made up? You’ve come to the right place! As an experienced boyfriend fabricator, I’ve learned that the trick to making one up on the spot is preparation. You’ll walk the streets with confidence when armed with a repertoire of facts and statistics about your fake boyfriend. Just be cautious; don’t let preparation give way to total delusion. You could wind up projecting fake boyfriend fantasies onto stuffed animals, body pillows, or gay friends.  How do I know this? My boyfriend told me.

Coming up next month, tips for the rejectee.

You can find Heidi and her satirical take on all of life’s important moments each month in G! and online as a contributor for datingguy.com.

By Heidi Brander There are a few key moments in life that define who you are. These key moments affect everything from what you eat to who you trust to how you drive.  The moment that pretty much defined all of my romantic endeavours came while riding the elementary school bus in Grade Two. Joey [...]

Read more »

Next Page »